


Damned

by WraithRhionann



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 23:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11861739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WraithRhionann/pseuds/WraithRhionann
Summary: Kyo wakes up having a severe anxiety attack and tries to hide it from Die.





	Damned

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as I'm in the middle of an hours long anxiety attack as way of coping and working through it. I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid, neither is my squishy Kyo, so no worrying about us. He's got Die and I've got a Godiva mint chocolate bar so we'll be fine.

It's the middle of the night and I wake up shaking and terrified. That must have been some bad dream but I can't remember it at all. The shaking seems to be getting worse and I can't catch my breathe. It feels like there's something holding me down, trapping me. I make the smallest whine and try to move away from it before realizing it's your arm around me. Why doesn't it make me feel safe now like it always has?  
Then it hits me. I wasn't having a bad dream at all. I'm having an episode again. I slip out of the bed as carefully as I can while my muscles protest and try to seize up. Why now? Why why why why why why? Where did I leave my bag this time? If I can find it and get to my pills I might be able to calm this insanity before it turns into a complete meltdown.  
I make it as far as the hall before my legs start to buckle and I lean against the wall for a minute to catch my breath. It's been ages since I had an attack and the last one was nowhere near as bad as this time. Why am I even having one tonight? Today was by far the best day of my life or at least one of the top five. You asked me to move in with you and I've never been happier. Now this has to happen.  
I start moving towards the living room again, leaning against the wall to stay upright. My stomach is churning and my mind is racing, thoughts barely half formed chase each other faster than the speed of light. Please please please don't let me be sick in the hallway. I gag and change direction, heading for the bathroom, arms wrapped around myself. My knee gives out completely and it's all I can do to stumble the last few steps into the bathroom.  
My hand blindly reaches out and I feel for the light switch but I'm shaking so hard I can't find it. I can't do this, I really can't. The toilet isn't far and I manage to find it just as in time. Oh I hate this part so much, hate myself for being so weak and pathetic. I flush away remains of the pizza we shared for dinner and never want to eat another in my life. I can't find the strength to get up and brush the horrid taste out of my mouth so I lean against the wall, knees drawn up to my chest.  
Now I'm crying and I know there's no end to my torment tonight. Why should there be? I'm a pathetic wretch who can't even tell you, the love of my life, that I'm so broken inside. I don't deserve someone as amazing as you and I know it but I'm too afraid of you finding out and leaving me. So scared that you'll hate me and demand that I never call you again, never see you again. That would kill whatever little piece of me that clings to hope, would destroy the last bit of my sanity.  
I'm sobbing now, shaking and my stomach gives a lurch, forcing me to move or I'll be sick all over myself and the floor. I heave until there's nothing left in me and then the acid burns its way up my throat. Finally, finally I finish but it's all I can do to flail my arm around and flush. I hang my head over the bowl, no energy left to even collapse on the floor and I'm still weeping.  
It takes a minute for the sound of running water to make it through the chaotic sounds in my mind but I realize you're at the sink. I feel your hand lifting my head and wiping my face and it only makes me cry harder. Now you'll see how absolutely worthless I am and I can't stand the thought of losing you. There's a glass against my lips and you're telling me to rinse and spit. Somehow I manage to comply without being sick again and I feel a hint of relief at that.  
You push something into my mouth and the glass is back again. One of my pills and oh gods how did you know about them? I almost choke as I swallow and my body feels like ice now. It's over, it has to be. How can it not be? Why would you want anything to do with me now that you know I'm never going to be a whole person? My heart and mind have shattered so many times that there are pieces missing and I can never get them back.  
Your arms are around me, moving me to sit so you can pull the shirt over my head. I feel a warm cloth wiping away the sweat and my breath catches in my throat. Why are you being so kind to me? Please just stop and leave me alone and I swear I'll go as soon as I can get my legs under me. I try to speak, to say the words but your finger reaches my lips and you shush me, continuing with your self appointed task.  
You wrap a towel around me and move to wipe the rest of my body clean and I still can't stop crying. You're trying to help me stand but I'm so sorry, there's nothing left in me to help. I'm hollow inside, an empty shell barely clinging to life and wondering why I even bother. I feel your warmth as you sit next to me and then you're lifting me and holding me close. Your arms wrap around me and I can feel your lips pressing against my forehead.  
How can you stand to be near me? To hold me like this and know all the while that I'm damned? I've even had that inked into my skin as a warning but you're still here. Just as you always have been. Just as you're whispering in my ear that you always will be. The shaking subsides enough for me to notice that you're rocking me, rocking us.  
Slowly, agonizingly slowly, the tension starts to leave my muscles and I can feel the ache setting in. The tears have stopped and my chest feels like a weight has been lifted from it so I can breathe again. I move a little and get more comfortable in your embrace. I can hear your heart beating strong and true, reassuring me that somehow, some way, and for some miraculous reason, that you still love me. I feel your smile as I relax completely against you. I hear your voice as I slip into the oblivion of sleep at last.  
"Rest love, I'll always be here with you."


End file.
